Hockey Haiku: Previewing the NHL Season, 17 Syllables at a Time

By Jeff Svoboda on October 4, 2017 at 8:10 am
The NHL season begins after ending with this game.
Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

The NHL schedule begins tonight with a quartet of games – Winnipeg at Toronto (of course), St. Louis at Pittsburgh (of course), Calgary at Edmonton (hey, a rivalry!) and Philadelphia at San Jose (sure, uh, why not?).

With the opening faceoff between the Jets and Maple Leafs just after 7 p.m. in the Eastern time zone, 31 teams will begin what will end for one as the ultimate journey – the chance to lift Lord Stanley’s Cup eight months from now.

So with that in mind, 1st Ohio Battery thinks it would be good to preview the season, from A(naheim) to, well, W(innipeg). And we’re going to do it in a bit of a non-traditional way: via haiku.

Yes, you read that right.

Five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables, for all 31 teams. It’s the best 527-syllable NHL preview your money can buy.

So without further ado, here's your haiku.

Anaheim Ducks: Once Mighty, these fowl/Are getting longer in beak/Hope this joke Getzlaf

Arizona Coyotes: A great haiku name/Oliver Ekman-Larsson/Domi's much shorter

Boston Bruins: These old veterans/Won't hibernate through winter/Bear watching in East

Buffalo Sabres: The drought has been long/Six years since postseason bid/But Sabres like Eich

Calgary Flames: A shot of Jagr/The mullet man's back in league/Could be Gaudreau's dad

Carolina Hurricanes: Skinner! Chalmers cries/Aurora borealis?!?/But Jeff can steam hams

Chicago Blackhawks: Kane and Toews still there/But we'll miss their newest guy/Kneel before Saad

Colorado Avalanche: Will Joe pull trigger?/Duchene an unhappy guy/Time to make a move

Columbus Blue Jackets: From Russia with love/First Bob, now Artemi too/He'll Putin the goals

Dallas Stars: A goalie arrives/A chess piece they surely need/Can Bishop be king?

Detroit Red Wings: Where have you gone Joe?/Not DiMaggio; Louis/We'll miss that old barn

Edmonton Oilers: All hail McDavid/Quite slick in oil country/The Hart of it all

Florida Panthers: Young, talented Cats/The goalie's a Twitter star/But will he stop pucks?

Los Angeles Kings: Fans here still boo Jeff/And wish for Kopitar pick/Those wounds cut to Quick

Minnesota Wild: A great year fell short/Now will team momentum Staal?/What a Dumba joke

Montreal Canadiens: Parlez-vous français?/No, but ask Al Montoya/10 translates to dix

Nashville Predators: Party's on Broadway/Hockey, hot chicken, country/That's what Nashville does

New Jersey Devils: Crowds have been lacking/Where's Puddy when you need him?/Gotta support team

New York Islanders: Milbury, Spano/And Gorton's Fisherman togs/A proud team declines

New York Rangers: Dear Evan Hansen/Is Grabner’s speed still Wicked?/Blueshirts on Broadway

Ottawa Senators: Quite a run last year/But Sens must turn the Pageau/To contend again

Philadelphia Flyers: Bullies no longer/Rebuild begins on Broad Street/Thanks for Bobrovsky

Pittsburgh Penguins: Congrats on the Cups/But we don’t care for Crosby/Or Malkin or Sheetz

San Jose Sharks: Jumbo Joe still reigns/But losing his friend Marleau/Could be large Hertl

St. Louis Blues: Forty-one playoffs/And nary a Cup to enjoy/We can feel your pain

Tampa Bay Lightning: So close to a Cup/In ’15, Bolts should rebound/Til Stamkos gets hurt

Toronto Maple Leafs: Canada’s franchise/Is led by a young Yankee/You can't help but laugh

Vancouver Canucks: How many jerseys/Can a franchise ever wear?/Just pick a color

Vegas Golden Knights: Without superstars/Danny Ocean planned better/Team could use Clooney

Washington Capitals: Is it their year? Nah/Ovi’s lot is to fall short/Choking dogs return

Winnipeg Jets: No playoff wins yet/Coincidence? I think not/Bring back the Queen pic


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